What I am about to write and put out to the universe and fills me with very mixed
emotions. I’m shaking, scared, but also smiling a little too.
This is probably the most vulnerable thing I have ever
sat down to write, but I know God put me here and he is holding my hand.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 - my favorite scripture in the Bible (so far).
I’ve actually been trying to find reasons to hold off on
writing about this, hoping to get distracted, maybe even not doing it at all.
Just staying silent.
However, I have prayed about this, and I believe with all
of my heart that what I am about to share is just too important not to put out
there.
And I want you to know you are not alone.
So here we go…
I want to be honest and up front. I’m finally at a point
where I’ve said enough already! Enough with hiding. Enough with the hinting at
what might be going on in my life.
I have decided to give up alcohol.
Today, marks 80 days into this new journey.
I am still a little shaky.
This is all still very new.
I by far don’t “have it all figured out” and I don’t
think I ever will.
It’s something I continue to unpack every day.
It’s important that you know that this decision is a very
personal one. For me, there isn’t a really deep, dark story. No one got hurt or
got into trouble. No one ever pulled me aside and suggested that I had “a
problem”.
The best way I can describe it is that I was a “gray area”
drinker.
Let me explain…
In a nutshell, most everyone in my family has struggled
with addiction.
This has brought great pain and sadness to so many people
I love. At the same time, it also has brought so much light when times have
been dark. That is the beauty of what God does and His timing.
Depression and anxiety are also something that has been
hard to escape.
As I have been digesting all of this, I realized that my anxiety
probably started well into my childhood. Coming from a family of divorce and
the challenges that come along with that has been hard at times. I been an athlete all my life, so I was always striving to do well and was always goal
driven. As I grew into college, my anxiety kicked into high gear after the tragedy of 9/11.
As many of you know, I developed post partum anxiety and
depression after having our second child. As a mother, you begin to have new
responsibilities with keeping a little human alive and well. Bring in a second
little one into the picture, and there is even more to manage. Not to mention
the pressures of what our society (and social media) say about what being a
good wife, mom and employee are all supposed to look like. There can be a ton
of pressure.
All of my plates were spinning, and I was doing my best
to keep them going.
Now here is where it’s going to get real and raw.
Late 2017 going into early 2018, I would find myself
reaching for a glass of wine at night. Helping calm my nerves…to help make me
feel less anxious.
During that time, sometimes one or two glasses of wine at
night would turn into a bottle of wine.
I did this more often than I meant to for a while.
A profound thought I believe is important to share is my
relationship with exercise. Most of you know that I have a passion for health and
wellness. During this time, I would often over exercise or not give myself days
off so that I could make room for calories I knew I would be drinking later
that night. This is something that I wasn’t exactly aware of, but in the back
of my mind was there.
I would think about when I could start drinking late
afternoon especially, when things got really hectic with the kids. If I am
being honest, I just couldn’t wait until 5pm.
I found myself super impatient and aggrieved towards my
kids. “Can’t they just hurry up and go to bed so I can get my drink on?”, “I
need to/I deserve to relax!” I would be so sad and feel shameful the next
morning when I didn’t feel well. I still had to get up with my babies and make
their lunch. I sometimes resented this. Seriously, this was so my subconscious
behavior and this is so hard to admit.
When you hear your daughter ask to drink milk out of a
“pretty glass like Mommy”…that struck me to the core. That was testimony to
what she was observing. They watch EVERYTHING we do y’all! Everything!
One night I lost my cool at them both in the bathroom for
not cooperating in taking a bath. They are babies and little and I would for
sure say I was quite buzzed.
The more this went on, I felt its scales wrapping around
me tighter. Starting to potentially own me. It could not go on.
That was the night that everything changed for me.
I remember going into my bathroom and looking in my
mirror. As I stood there crying, I asked God to help me and to take “this” kind
of pain away from me.
Now for the test…
On Monday, February 12, I decided I would not drink
before Ash Wednesday. I seriously could not WAIT for the 40 days of Lent to
start. I wanted to feel better, get out from under it and I didn’t want anything to own me.
I wanted to be closer to Him.
Over the course of the 40+ days, it was very eye-opening
in what God showed me.
He showed me how to be a better disciple for Him, to be a better wife, mother, friend and employee.
I believe Stephen and I are both more patient with each
other, we love on each other more, are growing in our faith together. i have to mention what an intimate thing it is to pray with your husband.
I try and soak up every single minute with the children. I truly
believe that they deserve the best of me and I want to do my best to give it to
them. They make me want to be a better person.
I have a much better relationship with exercise and I
have started exploring more self care. I took the first bath in our house a few
weeks ago and that was amazing. We have lived here for over two years if that
tells you anything. In the past, I would never take 20 minutes to slow down and
do something like that for myself. In the past, it was all about how fast could
I get downstairs and pour a glass. Seriously.
Overall, I am much more productive at home, work and in life.
As a side note, I have a dear friend that has recently
gave up alcohol and we text most every day. She knows all of what I’ve shared
with you and she’s such a blessing. Especially those early days into this when
I want to have a glass of wine. It felt like God knew I would need someone to
help me get through this and he provided that support for me. She is/was that angel on Earth for me.
I was not alone.
As I look back on where I was some 6 months ago, I know that I was sober curious, but I did
feel alone. Like there was no other way to do this life without alcohol.
I was managing my anxiety with alcohol thinking it was
somehow helping me. But in turn, it ended up giving me more anxiety and it
became this sad cycle.
Coming from a family of addiction, it was almost arrogant
of me to think that it would somehow “skip over me” like I didn’t have the same
DNA as everyone else.
So if you are reading this, it’s important for you to
know that you are not alone. This is a real thing.
I do see you.
I know that person.
I was that
person and I still love that person so much. Trying to figure out
how to do this world without alcohol is tricky and it's something I'm still working with and unpacking on a daily basis.
I believe I am a better
person without it and I’m so grateful have made a choice while the choice was
still a possibility for me.
Sending you love and light,
Saralyn